Apologies for the gap in posting! We’ve been exploring some things raised in the Welcoming Church series – in particular the idea that people ‘belong’ in different kinds of spaces. See below for descriptions of Public Space, and Social Space.
The third kind of space is Personal Space, friendship space. As people move deeper into community life, they go from being acquaintances to becoming friends. All of us have friends and extended family with whom we are willing to talk about the important things in our lives, our inner feelings, our hopes and doubts. The cuppa conversation after church often stays on the surface. Personal space goes a step further. How do people move from ’surface’ relationships into deepeer, sustained friendships in your congregation or faith community?
Openness requires trust and authenticity. People can’t be forced into friendships. Small groups may provide a primary setting in which personal sharing takes place, but membership can’t be forced, only encouraged.
Close friendships need time and space to form. They rely on a deepening, mutual respect and commitment. Some people see their friends or extended family only occasionally, but the strength of the relationship is maintained. In some settings, such a small groups, the sense of closeness relies on agreed meeting times, group norms and a shared commitment to build relationships.
Joseph Myers says that these kinds of close relationships are what many people refer to as ‘community’, namely, those who are more than acquaintances but outside our closest family and friends.
So what are some of the issues for the church? Firstly. we may wrongly expect that people will easily move into ‘personal space’. People need to live well in social spaces before moving to personal spaces. In order for someone to join a personal space, a personal invitation is vital. Some small congregations (I mean less than 25 or 30 people) feel like ‘personal space’ as soon as you step inside the front door. A visitor automatically feels like an intruder because people know each other so well. In other words, you actually need social spaces outside the intimate comfort zone of the group.
The church needs to value and cultivate the informal personal spaces of friendship, the coffee conversations, prayer triplets and other peer connections that are not organised or programmed by the church leadership. These everyday relationships are the lifeblood of any community. It is worth asking, however, whether the church premises are designed to allow for multiple ‘personal space’ conversations. I suspect that most aren’t. Kippax UC’s ‘coffee table’ foyer is an excellent example of a space designed with this exactly in mind.